Thank you for writing this! I find marriage to be even harder than parenting🫣
A reader of mine recommended a book to me that’s been really helping, and the first thing she talks about is the same thing you did: self-care. This absolutely resonates for me and for what I’ve observed with other women—we easily put the needs of others over our own simple well-being (and then are mad that we’re not happy). She recommends making a list of things that bring joy and doing at least three every single day. It’s the radical act of taking responsibility for yourself, and for some reason women tend to instead blame their husbands when they’re unhappy.
Anyway, great post—it’s so encouraging to read about happy marriages further along the road than us (we’re at 11 years). And the rewatching LotR comment made me laugh out loud (lots of rewatching here too😅)!
My husband and I are coming up on our 15th anniversary and I think that your piece of advice #1 has been the biggest lesson I've learned so far in marriage -- and one of which I was pretty ignorant for the first decade. Your spouse can support you and help you to take care of yourself, but in a grander and very real way, you are responsible for yourself. You have to prioritize the things you need in order to be well; call on your family to help you, but not to take on that responsibility in your place.
Lovely post and thank you for sharing! My husband and I are celebrating nineteen years together this December and I agree with all of your points. Happy anniversary!
We've been married 57 years and, from that perspective, you hit the nail on the head every time. The one addition I might add is to laugh together. Sharing a sense of humor makes everything easier.
Happy anniversary! Spot on with all of it :) I was just listening to the podcast episode where you’re chatting with Chloe about this idea of the mental load. I can’t say I’ve ever found the idea particularly helpful, because it tends to make me resentful, but like you two mentioned, it IS immensely helpful to talk about expectations and ask for what you need. I’ve had to realize that one of my husband’s superpowers (and I think this applies to many men) is that he’s very good at solving problems. Which means if I share an issue without being too tied to how *I* think it should be solved, he’s probably going to come up with a good answer. We both tend to the family in such different ways, but after 11 years, I can now tell him the kids clothing swap is stressing me out, and he can take care of it, and I can not micromanage and tell him he put something in the wrong box, because oh my gosh, the kids are wearing clothes and I’m just so glad my super pregnant self didn’t do it 😂. The self care thing is key as well — I need friends, outlets and the ability to deal with my own physical and emotional terrain. When I take ownership of that we are all much happier.
Yes to all of this! And yes, men typically ARE good problem solvers, aren't they? We've had so many of those classic "I'm not asking you to fix it, I just want you to hear me" conversations, and yet now I've softened to where (most of the time) I really do appreciate his perspective on how to fix a thing. Sometimes that's just as helpful as listening.
Thankyou for writing number 4. I felt its truth in my spirit for some time now. I felt resistance and frustration at the complaints of women about the patriarchy and how it stretches female roles in their families. In my spirit I felt that the complaints weren’t helpful and were hurting us, but I couldn’t properly name how or why. You did. We wind up doing many of the emotionally hard things because we are wired to do so, not because our husbands are slackers. My husband works 60-80 hours a week carrying the very heavy burden of entrepreneur and provider for our family. Yes I carry the greater portion of all the emotional and mental journeys of our 6 children, but it isn’t because he doesn’t care. He’s so open to my suggestions on how he can connect and help our children and often he has insights that I can see because I’m too close to the situation. I am so much happier in my role when I embrace it as my calling. Frequently it is overwhelmingly hard and more than I can manage on my own. If I were to resent it as being not shared enough by my husband it would block me from casting my cares upon Jesus. Ask me how I know! Haha. But when I choose to let go of resentment I am able to find strength in Jesus and even greater support from my husband.
So perfectly said, Crystal — when you embrace things like 'emotional labor' as part of your calling, it's almost like when you need to face it head-on you wield your tools with a stronger grip because you KNOW you're equipped to deal with it. It becomes less of a burden and just more of ...what you do.
"Don't wish the other person was more like you. That wouldn’t go well." Love this, and I've often thought along the same lines. My husband and I bring such different personalities, tendencies, likes/dislikes, etc., to the table, and while this has been a cause of friction at times, it has overall been a huge blessing to both of us, stretching us in ways we sometimes haven't know we needed. God knew what He was doing when he brought us together!
Wow Tsh...this is such a gift. I still really long for marriage but also as I'm getting older, more friends are getting divorced and I'm feeling more at peace about being single, I sometimes get scared if marriage is really still "worth the heartache". I'm savoring this piece you wrote and will be coming back to it often!
Happy Anniversary! My husband and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary this past weekend. It's amazing how much you continue to learn about loving your spouse and loving yourself as you do life together.
Thank you for writing this! I find marriage to be even harder than parenting🫣
A reader of mine recommended a book to me that’s been really helping, and the first thing she talks about is the same thing you did: self-care. This absolutely resonates for me and for what I’ve observed with other women—we easily put the needs of others over our own simple well-being (and then are mad that we’re not happy). She recommends making a list of things that bring joy and doing at least three every single day. It’s the radical act of taking responsibility for yourself, and for some reason women tend to instead blame their husbands when they’re unhappy.
Anyway, great post—it’s so encouraging to read about happy marriages further along the road than us (we’re at 11 years). And the rewatching LotR comment made me laugh out loud (lots of rewatching here too😅)!
“the radical act of taking responsibility for yourself” — what a great phrase. I love that.
Thanks for your encouraging words!
Even after 48 years of marriage, I'm loving your wise words ...
Thanks! I’m sure we still have so much more to learn…
We're still in learning mode, for sure ...
Congratulations, Tsh & Kyle!
My husband and I are coming up on our 15th anniversary and I think that your piece of advice #1 has been the biggest lesson I've learned so far in marriage -- and one of which I was pretty ignorant for the first decade. Your spouse can support you and help you to take care of yourself, but in a grander and very real way, you are responsible for yourself. You have to prioritize the things you need in order to be well; call on your family to help you, but not to take on that responsibility in your place.
Yes!! (See my comment above!) This understanding has been huge and I’m shocked at how long it took me to get it🤦🏽♀️
It takes a lot of us a really long time to both truly understand this AND truly implement this.
Lovely post and thank you for sharing! My husband and I are celebrating nineteen years together this December and I agree with all of your points. Happy anniversary!
🎊🎉Happy Anniversary 🏰🧁
We've been married 57 years and, from that perspective, you hit the nail on the head every time. The one addition I might add is to laugh together. Sharing a sense of humor makes everything easier.
Happy anniversary! Spot on with all of it :) I was just listening to the podcast episode where you’re chatting with Chloe about this idea of the mental load. I can’t say I’ve ever found the idea particularly helpful, because it tends to make me resentful, but like you two mentioned, it IS immensely helpful to talk about expectations and ask for what you need. I’ve had to realize that one of my husband’s superpowers (and I think this applies to many men) is that he’s very good at solving problems. Which means if I share an issue without being too tied to how *I* think it should be solved, he’s probably going to come up with a good answer. We both tend to the family in such different ways, but after 11 years, I can now tell him the kids clothing swap is stressing me out, and he can take care of it, and I can not micromanage and tell him he put something in the wrong box, because oh my gosh, the kids are wearing clothes and I’m just so glad my super pregnant self didn’t do it 😂. The self care thing is key as well — I need friends, outlets and the ability to deal with my own physical and emotional terrain. When I take ownership of that we are all much happier.
Yes to all of this! And yes, men typically ARE good problem solvers, aren't they? We've had so many of those classic "I'm not asking you to fix it, I just want you to hear me" conversations, and yet now I've softened to where (most of the time) I really do appreciate his perspective on how to fix a thing. Sometimes that's just as helpful as listening.
Thankyou for writing number 4. I felt its truth in my spirit for some time now. I felt resistance and frustration at the complaints of women about the patriarchy and how it stretches female roles in their families. In my spirit I felt that the complaints weren’t helpful and were hurting us, but I couldn’t properly name how or why. You did. We wind up doing many of the emotionally hard things because we are wired to do so, not because our husbands are slackers. My husband works 60-80 hours a week carrying the very heavy burden of entrepreneur and provider for our family. Yes I carry the greater portion of all the emotional and mental journeys of our 6 children, but it isn’t because he doesn’t care. He’s so open to my suggestions on how he can connect and help our children and often he has insights that I can see because I’m too close to the situation. I am so much happier in my role when I embrace it as my calling. Frequently it is overwhelmingly hard and more than I can manage on my own. If I were to resent it as being not shared enough by my husband it would block me from casting my cares upon Jesus. Ask me how I know! Haha. But when I choose to let go of resentment I am able to find strength in Jesus and even greater support from my husband.
So perfectly said, Crystal — when you embrace things like 'emotional labor' as part of your calling, it's almost like when you need to face it head-on you wield your tools with a stronger grip because you KNOW you're equipped to deal with it. It becomes less of a burden and just more of ...what you do.
Yes! Exactly!
"Don't wish the other person was more like you. That wouldn’t go well." Love this, and I've often thought along the same lines. My husband and I bring such different personalities, tendencies, likes/dislikes, etc., to the table, and while this has been a cause of friction at times, it has overall been a huge blessing to both of us, stretching us in ways we sometimes haven't know we needed. God knew what He was doing when he brought us together!
Happy anniversary to you and Kyle!
Thank you!
Wow Tsh...this is such a gift. I still really long for marriage but also as I'm getting older, more friends are getting divorced and I'm feeling more at peace about being single, I sometimes get scared if marriage is really still "worth the heartache". I'm savoring this piece you wrote and will be coming back to it often!
I'm glad to hear this, Natalie — thank you for your kind words!
Beautifully written, thank you for sharing!
Happy Anniversary! My husband and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary this past weekend. It's amazing how much you continue to learn about loving your spouse and loving yourself as you do life together.